Sad News

I went to Berkeley today to pick up my perscriptions and I ran into my former landlord, Noah. We talked for a few minutes then he told me that Froggy was dead. He died the night I left. There were no marks on him so the don't know what happened. He was only 3 years old or so. It's so sad on different levels. I missed him, but now I know I wasn't alone. I feel bad for his sister, who lived next door; she lost both her playmates on the same day. Poor sweet Froggy, I hope he didn't suffer.

I held it in until now but I'm going to have a good long cry over this. If I ever find out that someone poisoned him, I'll see they get what they desearve to the full extent of the law.

For the record...

What follows are two emails that I sent to friends. The first was written last night at 9:20 and the second was written just a few minutes ago.


I don't know what's going on with Dan today, but he came home a little bit before 8pm slammed around upstairs, then went downstairs. I had the TV on so I didn't hear anything from him, until I got a phone call and muted the sound. I could hear that he was playing something LOUD.

I thought it was one of his video games but after I finished my call and opened my door a couple of minutes ago, I could hear it was some of his Hard Rock Head Banging Brain Scrambling music. I went downstairs to get some ice for my water, and it was unbearably loud, I glanced toward the living room and could see that he was sitting on the couch on the patio.
(I know, sofa on the patio doesn't it get any white trashier?)

While I was in the kitchen he turned off the music. You know how the silence after an elongated loud sound seems as loud as the sound itself? It was like that; the quiet closed in on me as I refilled the ice cube tray.

After 5 seconds or so, the music starts up again, just as loud only now he's banging on something. Not like a pan and wooden spoon like you'd expect a child to do, but a softer sound, muffled, like he punching a pillow. When I came upstairs again, I could hear it through the open window over the patio, which is luckily on the other side of the house
from my room.

I almost went over to look down to see what it was he was doing, but I was worried that he would see me, and I *really* didn't want to be drawn into whatever it is he's doing.

Just now it sounded like he was banging on the wall! Jesus, I hope he didn't lose his job.

I'm really thankful that I have a lock on my door.

Rynn, who just felt like sharing her discomfort.

More of the story:

This morning after I leave my room, I can tell that he's gone because I can smell his icky after shave, I go across to the empty room and look down at the patio. I can see that the the old Tupperware bowl that I us as a water bowl for Manny is gone - no surprise there, Dan is always dumping it out and putting it away. I thought since I had said that I was going to take Manny with me when I go, all that would stop.

The other thing I don't see is Manny, so I run downstairs and go out on the patio and call to him. Then I realize that as I was looking out the window I saw something small in the weeds behind the sofa.

It's two shattered pieces of the bowl. That's what he was banging.

As I start to bring the pieces inside Manny shows up looking scared but after a few seconds he realizes that Dan isn't around and jumps up into my arms. I'm carrying him around the patio almost in tears because I'm so happy to see that he's okay that's when I see what he was banging it against. One of the fence posts has deep gouges in it and a couple of the fence boards have been knocked out of place.


I put Manny down, came upstairs and got my camera. I'll be posting all this on my blog, with the pictures, in a few minutes. I'm not going to take this sitting down. Question: should I call him at work and ask him what the hell he was thinking? Or take the pictures I took to the office? Let me know what you think, I need to know before 5pm when the office closes.

Thanks for your help.

Step by step

I move a little further away from someone I care about.

Why?

I don't want to watch his happiness while I know it's only a matter of time before the truth hits home. I despise her, she is what gives better women a bad name.

I blame him, he should know better, but he wants that pretty face and her childlike body to make him feel complete.

I wonder if I'm the only one who sees the life and death of this yet I know I'm not, but I also know that he won't listen to anyone. He is a child, who wants what he wants and will not be denied.

I am disgusted by his need of this girl to complete him, just as I would if a female friend said the same of a man.

"She didn't care if you choked on your own vomit!" I want to scream. "She only cared about herself and what if she had needed help!"

Sickening.

Rodeo Roommate strikes again

I had a can of frozen lemonade in door of the freezer. Since I don't have a pitcher, I made it a glass at a time, there was enough left for one more glass so I put the metal disc on the top and put it, standing on its end, in the body of the freezer.

I come down the next morning to find that Rodeo Roommate had put in on its side in the door. Now there's stickiness on the door of the freezer so that when you open it up, it sticks slightly. I don't say anything to him, I just put the can back in the freezer on its end but this time I open the metal disc on the top a little, so he can see that its open.

This morning (afternoon, whatever, it was my first trip to the kitchen of the day) he calls from the living room.

RR: Hey Rynn.

ME: Yeah.

I step out into the hall so that I can see him as he lays on the couch.

RR: Can you clean the rest of that sticky off the door?

ME: I didn't do that, you did that when you moved my open can lemonade from the freezer to the door.

RR: I don't remember touching your lemonade.

("This from the man who has black outs," I think.)

ME: Well, you did.

RR: I have my own juice, why would I touch your lemonade?

ME: I don't know. Maybe you saw it and decided that it should go back to the door.

RR: Why was it open?

ME: I'm making it a glass at a time.

RR (in tones that suggest that I'm about as stupid as they come): You make it a glass at a time?

ME: I don't have a...

RR: I don't think I moved it.

Pause.

ME: I'm not cleaning up your mess, Dan.

RR: Whatever.

I thought it was getting better, because we both know that we don't have that much more time living together, but now he's not washing his dishes (even though when I didn't wash my dishes fast enough he put them on the floor) he's acting like he has to "save" me. He actually gave me a speech the other day on how to find a job. He doesn't believe that I'm disabled, he thinks its an excuse not to work. I don't know how he can think that when I hardly ever leave my room, even when he's not here. He can't seem to see beyond his concept of the world and that concept doesn't include someone like me.

I wish I had a place to go, now. I would pack up my things and just leave. I'm sure he would be happier and I know I would be.

In other news; I'm sick. I think its a head cold or bad allergies but whatever it is, I just want to sleep.

Feeling a little better

I'm still a little under the weather mentally, but not nearly as bad as I was. When Rodeo Roommate got home from work yesterday, he called to me as I was going up the stairs. I figured he had some bullshit reasoning for me to pay more money than I already have, but he wanted to talk. I was surprised. He told me that he never meant to give me bad information about the PG&E and if I could pay $15 more a month then maybe we could make the roommate thing work.

It struck me as being kind. He might have other reasons - not wanting to look for a new roommate comes to mind - but in the moment that he said it, I felt as if he really wanted it to work out. I thanked him, and told him that I didn't think it was a good idea that I stayed. He said that that was okay, we could part as friends.

I get the feeling that he doesn't want to be the bad guy. Even with all his control issues he still needed to be liked or at least accepted rather than be right. It will certainly make the last month and a half easier; I was thinking that we would spend that time snarling at each other or leaving notes, but it might be okay. If nothing else, it might afford me more time to find a place.

I keep thinking about taking a few months and going back to Maine and let my friends back there snuggle me a bit. I'm feeling decidedly unsnuggled right now. I hate to sound like such a girl but I'd like to be taken care of now, please.

I've got to figure out how to put an audio file on here so I can share KittyWitty's anger with me. It's funnier than it ought to be.

It's a few hours later and I have uploaded the sound file of how angry KittyWitty was with me. Just click on the picture of KittyWitty.

I'm depressed

I hate that I have to go back to Concord tomorrow.

I hate the Joe is saying, "I love you," to the cunt that broke his heart 5 months ago. He told me tonight that he's happy. I wanted to say, "You're delusional." He might not have moved back in with her, but he might as well be living with her. He acts like nothing has changed and that frightens me.

I hate that he found a place in San Francisco and I have 41 days to find a place or I'm homeless. I hate that I hate something good that happened to a friend.

I hate that my friends sent me money to move into a place that I am now leaving, I hate that I wasted their good will on something so awful.

I'm depressed and full of anger. I want to punch someone in the head and just as they get their barings back, I want to punch them again.

I want to go to bed and never get up. I miss my kitties. I'm sad that my weekend in San Francisco is almost over and I have to go back to that fucking hell hole. I'm so close to tears that my stomach hurts. I should go to sleep now.

Here we are again

It should be of no surprise that the whole roommate thing didn't work out. Rodeo Roommate would tell me one thing (the thing I wanted to hear, I believe) and turn it around to what he wanted later on then act like I was the bad guy because I didn't fall in line with the plan.

I'm moving July 31st. I don't have a place yet, so if you live in the Bay Area and have a place for $550 or less (Stop laughing!) I'd love to have a look. Email me with the subject line Room for rent.

This weekend I'm staying and Charles and Michael's. KittyWitty has been diagnosed with cancer and had his first round of chemo this week. His dads had to go away this weekend so I'm here to give him his twice daily meds. Needless to say, Kitty doesn't so much like me anymore. Last night, the first pills, he hissed and growled but I got him to take the pills. He hid under the bed. I went in after a little while to see if he was okay and when I reached under to pet him, he bit at me! Then he growled! This morning's pills were a little better, I held him first and loved him and told him what a good boy he was, theninwiththepill, then petted him and told him he was a good boy, he was hiding his face in the crook of my arm at this point, then I rubbed his face, theninwiththeotherpill, pet pet, love love, but as soon as I wasn't touching him off he went like a shot. I feel badly that he feels so abused by me, and I know that tonight's pills are going to be a challenge. Not the pills themselves but getting hold of him is going to be a delight. We are both large for our species, but I think he might tire first.

I missed my cats last night, no one walked on me or gave me kisses when I woke up. I had strange dreams about being on Monk, for the second time, apparently - it was a minor occurring role. Stephen Fry cast me as Ford Prefect in the class production of The Guide.

Now I have the whole day to do what I want in SF and all I can think about is knitting a blanket for KittyWitty.

Why is it...

That obituaries always say that someone has passed, or died, or is "sitting at the feet of Jesus," following a "courageous battle with cancer"? Hasn't anyone given a half hearted fight?

"Why, cancer, I ought ta....ohhhhhh, never mind."

I read my hometown obituaries, I want to see if any of the people who made my life hell in High School have had any battles lately. I know it seems petty and it is, if I'm going to be honest about it, but as an adult I can't go up to another adult and hit them with some Math books. Revenge is sweet but I don't want to look like an ass. If I could I would turn down their bank loans while muttering, "Cut in front of me, will you..." I would touch the rice I served them if I still worked in the Chinese restaurant in my hometown, or if I happened to be passing the place and had the time to spare.

I look at the obits online, biding my time, waiting for P.G.'s name to appear. Wanting to read that her life consisted of a string of failed marriages, the loss of her family home to mold, a lengthy lawsuit that would bleed her bank accounts dry and amputation several of limbs.

I know, I know, I should just get over it, isn't that what Karma is all about; moving on, letting go of the past, doing what you know in your heart is right? I wish I could forgive her, but I don't think she remembers how she done me wrong. How can you forgive someone if you told them that they were forgiven their reaction would be, "Huh?"

T. was lucky in that her biggest bully in high school was killed by her, the bully's, boyfriend. It was the first, and I think only murder/suicide in our class. Not something you'd put in the yearbook but still...

So, this morning I read a years' worth of obituaries from my home state, I didn't recognize any of the names, it doesn't mean that my classmates didn't die, it just means that it wasn't reported to the local paper. Or maybe they haven't found the bodies yet.

Something I've realized...

First off, I finally had a good night's sleep last night, in fact I could fall asleep right now. They say that you can't catch up on the sleep you've lost but goddamn it, I feel like I could try. Rodeo Roommate shared his weed last night so I was able to sleep.

I've noticed a pattern; first I get headaches for a few days, then the insomnia kicks in, I don't know what happens after I don't sleep for a really long while. So far I've come across a someone who is smoking a little something and was willing to share.

Weed not only kicks my headaches out but it tells the insomnia to fuck off, and it does! I've got a doctor's appointment next week with a new doctor. I'm going to see what she thinks about a cannabis card. I know myself well enough that I wouldn't make it a habit. Well, not often anyway.

Yay! postponed

I didn't sleep much last night so the Di Date is tomorrow. I must not nap today. I can go to bed as early as I want but I cannot nap. I still haven't found her present. I'm wondering if I put it into storage.

I slept for a couple of hours this morning and dreamed that I was getting a six month review at work. TK was reading it out loud to me in front of two other workers. I was so angry I quit, but it turns out that I had quite a bit of stuff hanging around the office. Piles and piles of books and pictures and cards and cordless phones, it was insane. I must have been putting work and moving into the same space. I picked up one of the people in the room, a fellow operator, and threw him out the door. The feeling was why won't these people go away and give me some privacy?

I am alone in the apartment, Rodeo Roommate is at work. It is blissfully free of all energy except those of the feline distinction and my own. It is such a nice feeling to not have that male energy that he forces out bumping into my own field.

I'm so tired I feel like I have a fever. The first cool day in a week and I want to play sick and stay in bed. Better to stay awake, read maybe, have something to eat, let the day happen.

Am I dreaming this?

When you have insomnia you're not asleep but you're not really awake. Everything is a copy of a copy...

Yay!

I talked to Di! We're having lunch on Monday! I need to find where I put her birthday present! Yay!

I am so tired. I didn't sleep well last night, I had a hard time falling asleep and then when I did I didn't stay asleep. I gave in around 10 this morning, now I'm ready for a nap but I'm afraid that if I take a nap I won't be able to sleep tonight and I need to get up in the morning to get ready to see Di.

Yay!