Guess What...

I've updated my flickr account with some pictures.

Another Holiday That Doesn't Apply To Me

I wish I had gone to the cemetery to visit mom today.

I'm older than her now.

I can't explain how much that freaks me out.

In Case You Were Wondering...

I have updated my wishlist (see left side of screen).

I'm just sayin'.

The Problem with Getting Older

I realized today that I can't think of myself as a middle aged woman because I don't think of myself as a woman.

Let me explain.

I have known many people in my life who were their sexuality first, it was as if they walked with their hips leading the way. Also, I've known people who were their jobs first, it was hard to see them in jeans and t-shirts. Then there are the people who are their addiction first, their eyes are always darting around looking for their next fix. Girly girls and manly men, then there's me.

I've never felt connected to my femininity. Oh, sure, I clean up pretty good, but the whole gussying up on a daily basis seems like too much work to me. I've been known to joke around with people who call me ma'am; I demand that they call me "babe," or "chick" or "skirt" or "dame." It's a punchline, it doesn't mean that I get the set up. It's the same with age. I'm turning 47 this year and I still having come to grips with being an adult so to get that I am a woman, as apposed to a girl, perhaps young person is closer to the mark than girl, and then to be a middle aged woman quickly enough to have time to become comfortable with being an old woman before I die...

Well, let's just say, it isn't looking very good.

I don't feel older, I feel worn some days, but not older. I still feel (on good days) that I can still have a career. Granted, the ballet is probably out, but writing and acting could still happen.

I guess it'll be different when I look in the mirror and a wrinkly face looks back, but for now I'm going to work on being a female.

"Hi, I'm Rynn, and I'm a woman."

Fuck it, it's a start.