OH!

Tomorrow Kit has an important meeting in Chicago. Could everyone reading this please send her good energy, prayers, or incantations her way. Not that I think she'll need it, but every little bit helps.

Thanks.

Doesn't anyone want to go play?

I'm bored. I want to go run around with friends but no friends are available and single running is something I can do anytime anywhere. Today I want to see people I love and who love me back in a setting that will make us laugh and delight in each other's company. Which could be anywhere, really.

Any takers?

Weather update: I put on my rain boots and it stopped raining. Now the sun is out. It's still windy but the sun is out. This morning it was raining so hard and the wind was blowing so hard that if I had stepped outside I would have been soaked from every angle.

Isn't life weird?

Why, oh why, did I not go to the store yesterday when the weather wasn't like something The First would mix up?

I've got to go out today. The girls are out of crunchies and the break that the can of moist food bought can't last forever. Lordy, lordy at least it's not snow.

It's another day of being me.

I've been doing this annoying thing. I've been waking up between 7 and 7:30 every morning. It doesn't matter what time I go to bed or how many times I wake up in the night I still wake up too early and can't go back to sleep. It doesn't help that Buffy is on from 7 to 9 so I want to get up. I'm watching Spike right now.

Had to stop typing for a minute. Sorry.

The nice part about getting into something after it's completed is that I don't have to wait for the new season, I get to watch two a day. Tomorrow the series starts over and I get to catch up. The not so nice part is that everyone is ahead of me. I was watching Buffy at Di's house last week and had to ask who Oz was.

Anyway, so I'm up, I'm watching the Buffys that were on yesterday again, and drinking coffee.

Whee!

I'm waiting for the Zoloft to kick in, I feel a little better but I think that's more about moving toward something better rather than being better.

I'm going to dye my hair today, my roots are out of control, and then go outside. Outside makes me feel better than sitting around or napping.

Blah blah blah.

Go back to what you were doing.

This has nothing to do with anything I've been talking about but I'd like to put this out there; Walmart is evil. They run smaller businesses out of business and underpay their workers.

They might be cheaper, but evenually there won't be any other choices because of them. Then I'll bet their prices will go up.

Evil.

For reasons I can't begin to understand Blogger couldn't publish my blog for the last couple of days. I got error message that my user name or password was wrong. I checked and changed what I had, got the same error message. I changed it back and now it works.

I'm confused.

I got a perscription for Zoloft.

There will be talk therapy.

I'm feeling better.

The show Tuesday night was wonderful and really fun. Joe played with the audience a lot, which was fun to watch. He wasn't mean like some can be, he was teasing and playful. He wished Di a happy birthday from the stage then seemed about to say something else when a table near the back chirped up that it was someone's 21st birthday. I think he was about to say something about me, thank Scott for the interruption. I am in no mental state to defend or accept praise for the site, so when he acknowledged some people that he used to work with and the only thing that was said about the site was the URL, I was so relieved.

When we were talking after the show, Joe realized that he hadn't mentioned his Webmistress and felt bad about it. Even mentioned it the next day when we were on the phone. He's sweet and a good friend.

I was supposed to be at the Mental Health Place by now, but I had another bad night sleep and can't quite function yet. I'm watching a very food Spike episode of Buffy then I'll take a shower and go. Then it's lunch with Charles, hang out time with Di then home.

I'm tired already.

Be proud of me, I called a mental health place and they can write perscriptions and sign State Disability forms. I called over half an hour ago and I'm still shaking. I don't know what that's about.

I'm going to fall apart at the intake, I know it. It took me so long to call now that I have I hope that I can follow through with the rest of it. The nice lady on the phone said that it was best to go in as early as possible, I'm going to try to get up early tomorrow and go in.

This makes me happy. Charles has been working on this book for three years and now you can preorder it. How cool is that?

I'm having another bad day.

I had a dozen nightmares last night. The first was within the first hour of falling asleep and woke me up. When I fell asleep I had a different dream with the same bad guy; it was a dream extra playing the role of a friend who was snuggling up to me and then tried to bore his way into my chest through my ribcage. I kept saying no, as if that would make it stop, but nothing did except waking up.

I don't remember the others except I kept waking up afraid over and over.

Today I have a headache and I'm so tired that I don't know how I'm going to make it till midnight or whenever I get home from the show. I know part of this is knowing that this is something I have to do and although it's something I want to do it's still stressing me out.

Tomorrow Joe is headlining The Punch Line San Francisco. Come to the show if you can.

And if you can't: tomorrow night, at around 10pm SF time, think funny thoughts for Joe. He's worried because we're filming it and there's a Comedian Murphy's Law that says if you're being filmed, you set won't go well. There will be 3 cameras, so I guess that he's 3 times as worried as if there were only one camera.

I'm looking forward to it, because Joe's a funny guy, I haven't been out in a club since January, and I get to hang out with Diane.

I'll let you know how it goes. Or, hopefully, Joe will put it up on his blog.

Charles is going to be on the radio tomorrow morning at 8am PST.

Listen if you can, he's a hoot.

Less of me to love. HA!

I've lost another 5 pounds. I'm not skinny by any means but I'm happily down to 180.

Joe has entered his first blog entry. I'm very pleased that he's picking this up so quickly. I think that he was overwhelmed by the whole technology thing.

I look forward to seeing what he posts.

What a useless life I'm living. TV and books; so little reality. It's no wonder that when something real happens that I am clueless as to how to handle it. Maybe I'm waiting for a rewrite or maybe this is the commercial and I'm waiting for the brand name to hit the screen and a calm voice to say "Nine out of ten dentists agree..." Or a tiny choir to sing, "By Menion."

I can sit here and write this but to pick up the phone and ask a voice I don't know on the other end for help is out of my reach.

I haven't showered in a couple of days and am quite stinky. The cats are careful where they lay on the bed as to avoid the worst of it. It hardly seems worth using soap and shampoo that I can't afford to replace when I'm sitting alone in this apartment. I'll bathe when I want to impress someone. Tomorrow. I'm meeting Joe for lunch and a computer lesson. I'll smell better for my friends, that seems the way to go.

I wish I could remember what it feels like to be happy, content, and joyful. Everything's so muted, gray, and distant; it's like not being able to find a comfortable chair.

My inner diologue is clear; complaints in triplecate, insults close, and full on critisims loud and clear -- about me -- about others -- about the world -- about everything...

I think the thought that I am worthy of better, that I am a good person, but my inner hecklers are better at this than I am.

I'm not thinking of hurting myself, as the Barenaked Ladies say in one of their songs, "It's more energy than some suicides are worth..." There's too much to do when you kill yourself -- pills to hoard, notes to write, wills to make -- if I had that kind of strength I'd be able to make a phone call and get better.

Get better, have a useful life, feel the words "worthy," "good," "happy," "contentment," and maybe "love."

I'm tired.

HAHA!

I was watching Buffy, I don't know the episode name, but it's the one where the bad ex-boyfirend is turned into a big worm.

There is a shot, right after he turns from a worm back into a bad ex-boyfirend and he's supposed to be naked, but you can see he's wearing...A COCK AND BALL COZY!

Not one that I made but it was still nice to see that they're being used.

Oh, and I'm not erasing that tape.

It looks like Eva8 might be coming to SF with her hubby.

Yay!

Some good news for a change.

I've been mini posting because I'm avoiding thinking about my life and what I'm doing with it.

I can honestly say that I have wonderful friends, I do have a talent for picking lovely people to hang with and listen to me when I keep banging my head against the same wall.

Men. Tsk, I don't know why I still think about men, I should just give up. Every man I've ever been attracted to have either been too young, too married, too moving away, too not interested in me. I know there are men who like fat girls but since that's one of the bits of being me that I'm sickened by, I'm in no way interested in them. Should I just give in and become a bar fly? Be the chick that anyone can have for a the price of a beer? I would hope not, at least I hope I would hold out for something imported.

I've got to get back on antidepressants or I'm never going to get out of this rut. I hate feeling this way, but I have no energy to make the phone calls or the appointments I have to make to get better.

I wanted to say more here, but I've run out of steam.

I'm out of love again.

Who wants to be my snuggler?

Bored...

I am bored. I am restless. I am PMSing. I am worn out.

I've got so much work ahead of me just to survive.

Can someone carry me?

I thnk I'm getting sick

I'm sneezing and tired but I have to go out and get food.

Gah.

I'm drinking very strong coffee out of a cup with the Sleepytime Bears on it.

Does that strike anyone else as wrong?

That's right wood chuck-chuckers, it's Ground Hog Day!

I'm watching Ground Hog Day on Ground Hog Day.

I fucking rock!

Sweet is the Jenn-a-fish.

I talked to my little sister tonight. Every interaction I have with her is a reminder of how amazing she is. Jen is the epitome of What Does Not Kill You Makes You Stronger. Her outlook is one of happiness and adventure and living life to its fullest.

I hope I can be like her when I grow up.