Seven

About an hour ago Sam came and picked up Seven for the move down to LA. It's only been an hour and I miss him. I can't believe I'm feeling this way, but he was a snuggler. He was a face to face rubber and when he gave you a kiss he'd slip you the tongue.

The girls aren't aware of his abscense yet; his smell is still strong - I have to steam clean the rug to get rid of the scoot marks he made and that I didn't have the strength to wash yet.

I have the feeling of getting my home back, I did cater to him a bit, so now it's all mine again. No more being woken up by the screams of one of the girls because Seven had them pinned and was biting them. No more being laid on and vibrated with loud purrs. No more twice the litter boxes. No more twice the food. No more of him scratching the scratching post with his hind legs.

Damn it, I miss the little fucker.

Yesterday

I spent almost all day yesterday in bed. Sleeping. I think it's depression and denial.

Joe is moving to LA today and I don't want to think about it. I know that I have friends who are further away and I still love and cherish them as if they were next door, but I will miss the casual hanging out. It does mean that I have more reason to visit down south. He says that he'll be up here a lot and we can hang out like we always did, and that we have spent most of our contact lately either on line or on the phone. These are truths, but it doesn't do anything to calm my abandonment alarm.

It's not that I don't trust his word it's that I still - *STILL* - after all the meds and the therapy and the loyality of truly amazing people, don't believe that I'm worth the effort.

It won't do any good to tell me that I'm wrong and to cut it out. This is something that was hard wired into my system when my mother chose a man and his family over me and then died without ever proving me wrong. It's part of the process for me to feel left behind and over time I'll see that I've not been forgotten and relax.

Of course, this isn't always the case. I've been forgotten. I've misplaced a lot of friends over the years, left some and been left by some. I like to think that I kept (and was kept by) the best of the bunch, but I'm sure there are some who would say differently.

So today is the beginning of the latest trial. It will be awhile before I can collate any data, but the lab rats are looking hopeful. I'll take this as a good omen.

Damn

I had to postpone my second driving lesson for lack of funds. I was bummed about it when I called the instructor to cancel but I'm so tired today I think it was a good thing that I'm not going to be behind the wheel.

I had a good day yesterday; I took Claire to see War of the Worlds (I highly recomend it. (Going to see the movie, not taking Claire to see it.(Now that I think of it I shouldn't speak for her, take her to a movie if you want.))) and a burrito for her birthday. Then I BARTed over to the city and went shopping for kitty food and groceries with Di. There was even time when Di dropped me off for me to show her some of Dylan Moran's stand up. It was a good day, but it really wore me out.

I'm going to need a nap today.

A Couple of Things

The first thing is something that Tara, Di's best bud and other half, said about a guy who she was furious with, "I was thinking about what an asshole you are and I came like the Fourth of July."

Here's the other thing: Let's say that about a year ago you started "trimming the hedge" around the "foundation of the house." And for that year you've kept that "hedge" pretty trim. You've really enjoyed that cool looking "hedge".

Now let's say that recently you've lost the urge to...do the bending it takes to keep the hedge under control. The thing is that now that the...hedge is...fully foliaged...you suddenly see a lot of "twigs" on the floor, in the tub, on the wall, interwoven in clean sheets, and on the ceiling. And you wonder, "how did I forget this. Why didn't I miss them?" (Not miss them in a yearning way, but in a "where did that nail that I always snag my pant leg on go?") You didn't even realize that you had an extra 15 seconds of free time after a shower because there weren't any "twigs" drifting at the sides of the tub.

The reason I'm thinking about this is that I returned a damaged mattress pad and as I pushed the pad, which was in a square shaped clear plastic bag and I saw, clear as fucking day, one of my pubic hairs.

At least it wasn't one of the gray ones.

I was wrong

My right leg doesn't hurt at all.

I want to drive some more *now.*

The good news is that no one was killed

The better news is that I seem to be picking up this driving thing pretty quickly. I've got another lesson next Thursday, I wish it could have been sooner. Taking corners is harder than it looks and backing up, well let's just say that at one point I wanted to lean out the driver's side window and yell, "Beep!....Beep!....Beep!"

I drove all over Berkley, pulled a U-ie, parked the car several times and was able to keep my eyes scanning all the time. I do have a problem remembering to use the turn signals when I'm leaving a parking space. But I do think I did really well for the first time behind the wheel in over 20 years.

I think I will be able to get my license by the end of summer as long as I have the money for the lessons. It's more practice than anything. Two hours was not enough.

I'll bet my right leg will hurt tomorrow.

Joe's Quilt

Here are a couple of pictures that I took of the first quilt I've made.

I think it came out pretty good. That is, considering I had no idea what I was doing.

Get in the store, the sidewalks aren't safe enough!

On Wednesday, I got my driver's permit, today I set up my first driving lesson for next Thursday.

I can't wait to have my license.

Gee, I hope I learn. The teacher seemed really nice and told me not to worry if I was nervous driving, that he could teach me to relax so I would feel comfortable driving.

Heehee.

Another day in a pair of ice

It's too hot here. It's hotter elsewhere, like, say, the surface of the sun or Texas, but it's too hot for me.

I'm not sleeping, I'm having a waiting game with my period, again, I want to dye my roots but I don't have the energy because it's too fucking hot.

Oh, and now I feel at headache coming on.

Joe is moving to LA the first of next month if not sooner, and he doesn't have time to hang out because he's so stressed about the move he can't sleep at night and is taking some epic naps. Or at least epic flopping abouts attempting to nap.

Nap. That sounds good right about now, but if I sleep now I won't be able to sleep tonight and I have to be ready to leave the house at 11am for post birthday celebratory afternoon with Claire.

I feel bored and listless, dizzy-kinda, deep down I feel useless and achey. I think I will go lay down. Maybe I'll just have an epic flop about instead of a nap.

Tavie

It's still a half an hour to go on this coast but it's 2 and a half hours old on the east coast. Where she is.

It's her birthday. She's 26 today. I've known her for the past 6 years or so and my life is fuller and funner for it. I want her to be wonderfully happy, not just today, but everyday.

Oh, and happiness to Kirsten, too. I don't know her, but she is Tavie's twin so she must be awesome.

Happy, happy girls!

It's the 4th of July

When I was working as a telephone operator at a hotel working holidays were always a joy. The public (and you know who you are) would call to speak to various offices and were always *ALWAYS* stunned to discover that the offices were closed for the holiday. Even though, the callers themselves, were off for the holiday.

The last Independence Day I worked a call came in from over seas, the caller asked for the accounting department. The caller was told that it was the 4th of July. After a pause, the caller asked again to speak the accounting department. He was told again that it was the 4th of July.

At this point the caller became angry and asked to speak to the manager. He wanted to know why he couldn't speak to the accounting department. The manager told him that it was the 4th of July.

After a few more back and forths it became clear that the caller didn't know it was a holiday. When he was told that it was Independence Day, a national holiday, the caller pointed out that he had no reason to know our country's holidays. Did we know his county's holidays?

"Butbutbut," we were all thinking, "We're America! We don't need to know your holidays because we're the masters and you're the servant. You *have* to know our needs. We're better than you. Why don't you know that? Are you stupid? Do you need to go back to school? Do you need to be fired and sent to your room?"

I think this sums us up as a country.

Happy 4th of July, everyone.