I Took Bozo's Place

Years ago, my best friend's sister was talking about Theanna's imaginary friend; he was a clown named Bozo. Apparently, Bozo was always in attendance. He went to the grocery store, he went to church, he went to nap time. Wherever Theanna was, Bozo was also.

At one point Theanna's sister said, "Rynn took Bozo's place."

I was someone's imaginary friend; I've never been more pleased.

See, the thing about imaginary friends is that they are there whenever you need them and they are who you want them to be. Who would want to be more than that?

I think I started thinking about this because I'm reading Anne Lamott and she is all about friends and connections and being there when needed as you are. I highly recommend Traveling Mercies, in spite of the fact that much of it is about god, because it's also about faith which you can have -- by the way -- without believing in god or Jesus or religion in general.

I love being a friend. I do it well. I can say that it's the thing I do best and believe it. It's the thing I hold my head high about. I can't do math, or keep a bank account that has funds in it, and sometimes I can't get out of bed, but fuckin' A, I am a good friend.

I'm going to try to remember this the next time I feel low. And while I'm doing that, I going to remember that my friends are wonderful, too. I chose them carefully and keep them forever, or at least until they get tired of me.

I love you, one and all.

Some days...

You just have to keep going back to bed until you really feel like getting up.

Still no sign of the check that will keep my head above water until the beginning of the month when SSDI starts. I need to pay my cable and phone bills, but I can't do that until the check comes. Now it'll be Monday before I start checking the mail box every 30 minutes. (I'm not kidding.)

I'm going to lay down and try not to think about how icky I feel.

Dream

I had a dream last night that they pulled up a supermarket's parking lot and put down hardwood floors.

And people still parked there.

Help me out; what does this mean?

Love and other stuff

Today was my last session with Brooke, tomorrow is her last day at Berkeley Mental Health, and I feel lost.

I can't stop thinking about wanting to love, completely and freely, but still be safe and have my own space. I wish I'd worked harder to find that place inside of me that would allow this while working with Brooke. I felt safe with her and now it's over. I wish there were arms around me to make my hurt warm, because hurting's bad, cold hurting's worse.

My stomach feels raw, as if I've been crying for hours; but I haven't cried. My head feels spinny and full of dumbness, like I haven't slept in days; and I haven't. Broken hearted again. (Maybe I should just write "...you know..." and you all will know that I've carelessly broken my own heart again.)

I want to cuddle and snuggle more than anything because not to is a cold hurting. I need to see my best friend, Theanna, spoon up, then talk until we make each other laugh so hard that we drool. I need some tactile unconditional love.

Still not so good

I'm still feeling low and twitchy and I still don't know why.

I do have a lot of stressy things going on but it still feels like there's something more that I don't know about on a surface level but deep down I have emotional access to it.

I need to be held.

Any takers.

Uh-oh...

Something is really wrong. I don't know what, but I can feel it down deep.

I feel sick and dizzy and tense and as if I'm going to burst into tears.

Ricky!

Today is Rick Overton's birthday!

Go out and be cool, kind, funny, smart, handsome and clever in honor of his day.

Love or sex

Some people fall in love with the same person again and again and again even though they know that it will end quickly and with as much pain and embarrassment as possible.

I wonder if that's why I can't fall in love at all. I fall all the time it's just that the guy doesn't know to catch me. I can't fall in love eye to eye. I try to, but I pick someone out of my reach, someone who can't see me, can't perceive of me as a woman. There's something about me that makes the male population look upon me at most as a friend at the least in the way.

How do I break this trend? I can't tart up without feel like a child playing dress up or a hopeful fool. Neither feel all that good.

Postcard

Here is the postcard that I got yesterday. Click on image for a larger view.

Those sweet, silly girls.

And another week ends

I just want to feel like I've accomplished something.

In a month I'll be 43; 42 (the meaning of life, the universe, and everything) has not been the full on, take no prisoners, gonna get me some sweet lovin' year that I was hoping for.

But on the up side, I've made some wonderful friends and helped some people.

I got a postcard from Di and Tara today that really made me laugh. I still haven't reinstalled the scanner software, but I will tomorrow just to scan this postcard. It made me happy to think that they were thinking of me during their alone time. And it's fucking funny, too.

Those girls...

Calendar update

I've updated Joe's calendar.

Don't just sit there, make plans to see him.

NOW!

Confused

Okay.

So, Cobb's site says that Jake will be there the end of September.

Jake's site says that he will be there the first week of September, which is what I want, because of the birthday thing I was whining about in an earlier post.

The thing is; which do I trust? Jake should know when he's going to be somewhere and Cobb's is becoming known for screw ups.

Jesus.

I'm bored. Can you tell?

I don't know that I've ever posted so much on one day and said so little.

I miss Di. I'll bet she's having a blast, road trippin' with Tara. I envy them. I miss Theanna. I want to have the chance to hang with her, but that isn't going to happen for a while. I don't have the money or the means to get to her and she's in school and has a family that relies on her so she can't get to me.

I miss her. I'm so lonely right now. I should have gotten dressed up and gone to GET IT!? tonight. I just didn't feel like being around people, but it would have been nice to see Joe. And Kamau.

Doesn't someone want to come sit on my lap?

A reason

I haven't seen the sun in days. I think if I could get into some sunshine I would feel better.

Does anyone want to go out and play tomorrow?

Heartbreak for no reason. Again

I can't believe that I'm feeling this way again. I was coasting along, feeling okay with things, letting people love me, maybe a little lonely but feeling okay. Then last night, at 8:30pm PDT, I felt heart broken.

Some indefinable love was taken away.

It's more of a background heartbreak today, but it's still there. Like there has been a warm hand on the back of my neck all this time, encouraging me to work harder at being happy, but now it's gone and my neck and my soul is colder for its loss.

I need to be held. Nothing with promise, just a arm around my shoulders while we watch a movie or talk with friends.

Maybe I do want something with promise. Maybe I do want something more than just warm shoulders.

I'm tired of trying harder, of keeping my inner doors propped open with trembling, weary arms.

Why does everything have to be so difficult?

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just found out that my favorite way to spend my birthday won't be happening this year.

Jake Johannsen, who up until recently was scheduled to play Cobb's on September 5th, has been rescheduled for the end of the month.

FUCK!

I was looking forward to that.

Sunday nights at the Punch Line is a Showcase night, which won't be so bad as long as Joe is there. And Di will be there. It will be fun.

I'm just disappointed because I was making plans in my head.

You'd think I'd know better.