Did I mention that Di comes home today?

She does!

I was so upset about Peter and Samantha leaving I forgot to mention it. I did remember, I forgot to say anything here.

Tactile friends

Peter and Samantha just left for Portland, OR. and I'm crying. As I was saying good-bye, Peter started to cry which, of course, made me well up more. I'm going to miss them. I know that they are a short plane ride away but it's further away than I like it.

I wish them all the luck in the world, I hope they are happier than they have ever been in Portland, but part of me wishes it wouldn't work out so they would come back.

I love you, two.

In the land of Nod...

I have painted my nails 5 times in the last two days. I am so bored. I'm watching The Omen Trilogy. I'm virus scanning my computer one file at a time.

I'm talking bored, people.

I rewrote one sentence at least a dozen times before eliminating it all together. Even now I'm thinking about rewriting it some more.

If I had cookies, I would eat them.

Jeeze, is it time to go to bed yet?

Today

Long story short: No movie yesterday, brief hang out today with the moving couple, and I'm sleepy.

Re-editing novel, enjoying the story, joined a critique group to help and get help and want to start something new.

Another Day

Hey all. No much to report today. I'm still in my jammies and still drinking my morning coffee. Samantha and Peter might be coming over today -- after 3 -- to watch Bowling for Cominbine. I don't know when I'll know if they are coming, so I really should get moving but I'm not really awake.

Oh, I've been up and around since 10:30, but my brain still feels asleep.

I need to vaccuume.

There are some creepy ass people in this world.

You know who you are.

Now, go away.

"Lisa, if you don't like your job, you don't
strike. You just go in every day and do it
really half-assed. That's the American
way!" Well, you're really really lazy. You
manage to get by, but you never put any effort
into anything you do. You most likely enjoy
watching TV, sleeping, eating, and doing stuff
of the sort. Get active. You're a fat, lazy
idiot.


Which Advice Quote said by Homer Simpson are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I'm feeling so sad right now.

I spent the day with Peter and Samantha and it made me extremely aware that I want someone to love. I want someone's hand to hold, I want to be able to request a kiss and receive it without having to wrestle someone to the floor first. I want someone to worry about me when I'm not feeling well.

And the other way around.

I feel so alone. I haven't felt this low in a long time. I want to curl up and cry.

I've been awake since 3am.

I went to bed at 11:30ish, last time I looked at the clock it was just past midnight.

What is wrong with me?

I have to wonder if I'm not starting "The Change."

Well, fine!

In two weeks, I will be 42 (that's September 5th, for anyone who wants to send gifts, emails, or condolance cards) which as my friend, Brian Malow, says isn't old, but it's older than I've ever been. If menopause is starting for me, that could explain my sudden hunger for sex and love. Someone hasn't told my biological clock that there will be no baking in my oven.

Memo to self: Remind biological clock to shut the fuck up. Tick, tick, tick, nothing's going to happen!

I have another day of waiting for the mail so I can deposit my unemployment check. Stess? No, thanks -- I already have plenty.

In short; lack of sleep plus menopause minus love and sex plus loud useless clock equils.... Anyone?

Stress.

Read chapter 5, and feel free to read ahead, for tomorrow we may die.

If you don't count the bottom hem, I finished my new jacket tonight. It took a lot less time than the last one since I know have a sewing machine. I want to make a matching purse, but I'm a little sewed out at the moment. I could do the side panels, that would be easy then I could bead the flowers in the design.

I haven't made any jewlery in ages. I must remember to get my older stuff back from Samantha before she moves. She was holding onto it for the next time we went to the flea market, and then we never went again.

In other news, Diane will be back from her trip soon. I know it's going to be hard for her to come back after spending so much time with Ms Tara. It's that way for me no matter how much time I get to spent with Theanna it always hurts when we go our seperate ways.

Gotta go -- Real Sex is on, and it's on how to give head. Learn, learn, learn.

VERY stressful day. Will write details after I get some sleep. I have the feeling that tomorrow may be day one of the Red Menace.

Night.

Okay. My Earthlink account is working again thanks to Robert D. at costomer service (ask for him by name) I'm watching the Monk Marathon on USA, and I'm drinking a pretty good cup of coffee.

Life is a pretty sweet fruit.

I watched a good movie last night. It's called All I Want. It's also called Try Seventeen according to www.imdb.com. Elijah Wood is the lead, he does pain and heartbreak so well. I wouldn't mind seeing it on DVD with commentary. I don't know if it's out there but I would rent it in a heart beat.

I'm off to Netflix!

Aaaaaarrrrrggggg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't send email from my Earthlink account. I change the new server like the Earthlink brains told me to, and now I can receive mail but not send it.

Well, fuck me raw and call me Bertha, this just sucks.

In other news, I'm cramping like a mo'fo.

I should just drink another beer and go to sleep.

I talked to Rick today. When I told him I had gotten high for the first time he laughed and then said in a very dramatic voice, "Oh my god, they got Rynn." And then he laughed and laughed. It made me laugh. He full on tickles me.

Claire came over today and we studied Algebra and I didn't cry once.

I'm so proud of me.

I started writing a new story today. It's a horror story. And I don't know if I'm writing it to see if I still can write after so long a break. Or if I really have a story to tell.

So far I'm really enjoying the imagery that I'm putting down. We'll see if it's any good after a few more pages. I really don't know where I'm going with it, and that's not a good sign.

I'll keep you posted.

Oh, and I never did leave the house today. I called Samantha to see if we were still on for beading things and she wasn't there so I talked to Peter for over an hour and a half. We've spent so much time on surface subjects it was nice to have the opportunity to talk about things that made my brain work. That makes me happy. Thinking about things that I hadn't thought...to...well think about. I always knew that he had more to offer than jokes but there hadn't even been the opportunity. There was either a crowd, or a movie about to start, or a comedian on stage that stopped us from TALKING.

That's why I didn't go out, I felt if I had already accomplished so much.

What did you do today?

Well, I hesitate to call it a pram...

I've been thinking about this poem for a few weeks now, so I thought I'd share it with the class. I wrote it nearly 11 years ago on New Years Eve.

More than sex,
Less than love.
Caught between
Carnal and comfort.

Wanting more
Fearing less

Trapped within the sensations
The tastes, the sounds.
Cross the line
And kill the deal.

Wanting less
Fearing more.

Distrust commitment
Anticipate seraration
Long for something else --
What's a girl to do?

Arg. The mail didn't come in until after 3:30 yesterday and I had to get all my stuff done later in the day than I would have liked. I fixed my hair color; I am again your cute, little blonde friend. Now, I'm waiting for Safeway.com to bring my groceries so I can trundle down to Walgreens to get a few things for the weekend. I.E. mouth wash and Trazadone so I can sleep tonight.

I'm supposed to go to Davis today with Samantha, but I haven't heard from her. I sent an email and left a message on her phone so I've done all I can. If I haven't heard from her by the time I have the groceries put away I'll head out into my day. I can't sit around all day waiting for my beloved, flaky friends. You know?

In the midst of my "is my friend really willing to have sex with me?" dilemma the first candidate got back in touch. I have given up on him. Maybe I shouldn't but the trust is gone. I still want to be his friend but there will be no sex unless he can prove that he is (sorry) worthy of my trust. And a casual IM, that I had to start, after several months of no contact will not do it.

Bad night's sleep again. I'm feeling spacey. In Fight Club insomnia is discribed as feeling like everything is a copy of a copy, which is true for the first few nights but then everything is sharp. Everything is spiked, ready to wound. Colors, shapes, especially sounds.

Just thought you needed to know.

I did not sleep well last night. I couldn't fall asleep then I couldn't stay asleep. I finally gave up the fight for slumber a little after 7am. The home owner and family are on vacation in Maine and have sublet over my head to a family with two boys.

CLOMPCLOMPCLOMP the ceiling over my bed goes. I lay quietly, hoping that if I ignore it, the sounds will give up and go away.

THUDCLOMPSHUDDER the walls cry out next to my bed. I roll away, back to the offending wall.

SHREEKHOLLERSPLASH the windows declare as they throw shadows around my room.

So, anyway, I'm up.

I'm awaiting my unemployement check so I can go pay the phone bill and take in a movie, NorthFork has Rick in it so I want to see it. Color remover and hair dye, something for dinner, and I nice lie down all await me as I await the arrival of the bringer of the mail.

I must be tired; I'm waxing poetic.

I emailed my friend to clarify what he meant and to apologize for blurting it out at such a bad moment. He accepted my apology, and told me that he is only having sex with his girlfriend at the moment. What I take from that is that it was a joke/tension breaker.

I'm at once relieved and disappointed.

The brain is an odd organ.

I hate to use one of my first chances to blog in a very long time to air some of the troubling thoughts bubbling in my head.

I wonder now if turning down my friend for sex was a good idea.

I don't know who I would trust more with such a task. He knows me well, not that well, you understand, but well enough to make what could be a bad situation into an enjoyable one. I wonder now if he might have been joking; breaking the tension that my disturbing news created. I'm on the verge of asking him if it was a joke, but what if it was? I don't know if I want to know. The thing is, I don't think he finds me attractive so what could the act be for him, but an act if not a joke.

I can't stop thinking about it.

I'm tempted to direct him to this post so he see what my brain is doing.

What should I do?

"So," you ask yourself, "I wonder what Rynnie has been up to these four long weeks."

In no particular order; my 'script insurance ran out, I had a good friend offer to have what would be the first consensual sex I would have, I got stoned for the first time, and I made a bunch of jewelry.

I'll start with what I like to call my Mad Marijuana Weekend. For a couple of months I'd been dreaming about smoking pot. It came to a point where I decided that the only way to make it stop was to smoke some. A friend of a friend got some for me and smoked it. At the same time, I had run out of Effexor so I was a little looped anyway, so I took the weekend (Friday through Monday, if truth be told) to see if pot was something I wanted to do.

The answer is no, I didn't enjoy it. It made me feel as if every sound, every color, every shape, every THING brought up an emotional response that I was about to feel, was feeling, and had felt. At the same time. Anticipation, action, and completion all at once. It felt as if I were dreaming. So, I went to bed. I mean, if I'm already dreaming I should be asleep, right?

Needless to say, I took a lot of naps over that long weekend.

And it made me feel stupid. If I want to feel stupid, I'll open a math book.

I don't think it's going to be anything I'll do again. It just wasn't fun, and for the life of me I can't see how anyone could do it with other people around. Maybe it gets easier, but I don't want to wade through all that false emotional bullshit to get to it.

Next, a good friend of mine offered to have sex with me after I told him that I had never had consensual sex. In front of his girlfriend, (she thought it would be cute if we had sex; they have an open relationship.) I'm not going to because I don't want him to take the emotional blame that others have created, and I don't know that I can separate the two. He's very sweet for having offered, thought.

And I bought too many beads and made a butt load of jewelry that I have no place to sell.

I think that brings you all up to date.

So, what have you been up to?

Long four weeks without a computer finally at an end.

My computer, The Hendershot 2000, decided that it needed a vacation. Hard drives took a little break over at Diane and Mike's apartment where they were ridiculed for being part of a PC, whipped into shape, and condenced onto one larger hard drive.

Long story short (too late) I'm baaaaaack.