I'm feeling better about what happened yesterday. We haven't talked, but we have exchanged a couple of emails, and I think things will be better than before. I'm hoping that anyway. Open communications is the way to go. At least I think so.

I'm embarrassed and a little hurt.

I received an email from a friend that was clearly meant for someone else. I say this because it was about me in a tone that threw me for a second. In this email, it was said that I wouldn't listen to advice that this friend wanted to, or felt like they couldn't, give me.

I'm embarrassed because I feel like I looked in someone's diary and discovered a dirty secret.

And I'm hurt because I wasn't given a chance to listen or not listen to the advice that my friend was talking about.

The email was sent from someone who I thought I had an honest, say anything you think/believe relationship with. Now I'm doing that universal reevaluation; what else did I get wrong?

I suppose that I wouldn't feel quite so bad if my antidepressants were working, the Welbutrion isn't working at all, (in fact I called my doctor today to be put on a new drug) and I'm being bombarded with old thought processes.

I can logically see that it was a mistake, my friend wasn't talking to me, and everyone has a bad day or feeling about someone that they care about, but I don't feel it.

Sad. I'm feeling sad now. Still embarrassed. Still hurt. Now sad.

I replied, because I don't like secrets, and let my friend know that the email was sent to me. I don't know what else to do.

I know I'm being obsessive, I haven't felt this way for awhile, but I remember the feeling. It's "...like a cut on the roof of your mouth that you know you shouldn't tongue, but you do." That's from Fight Club, I think I got it right. I know that it's the feeling, things I should let go but can't. I hope I get the new meds soon, I don't like feeling like this.

I've mailed off the DVD's to NetFlix. This means that Donnie Darko is no longer in my control. I watched it a total of 4 times in 3 days. It was so good.

Now I'm watching Hedwig and the Angry Inch, another favorite. I think I really enjoy the darkness and comedy combo. It makes sense to me in a way that nothing else does. When things are dark sometimes the only thing you can do to bring the light is laughter.

I laughed at my mother's funeral. I was looked at with scorn and hate, how could you laugh -- your mother is dead. My mother loved to laugh, I wish I would have been together enough to suggest telling funny stories about her. I think she would have liked that.

I hope that after I die there will be a party and stories will be told about how I made life a little lighter, a little easier, by helping those around me to laugh.

I think that would be fitting.

What do you want done after you die?

ARGGGG!!!!!

I'm inspired to write but I have no new ideas. I could go back and work on other work, some of which is on floppy disc and my floppy drive is dead, but I really wanted something new to celebrate this new part of my life.

Help me, please. Anyone?

I watched the greatest movie yesterday. I know that it's an older movie that probably everyone has seen already but I really liked it.

Donnie Darko.

I watched it twice, once just the movie, the second time with commentary with the director and the star, Jake Somethingsomething. I really liked it. I wish I had seen it in the theater.

I did that before with Hudsucker Proxy; missed it in the theater, loved it on tv.

Have you seen Donnie Darko? What did you think happened?

I think I've made a mistake. I moved too fast with this guy and shared too much too fast and I think I scared him away. I really like this guy, first guy in a long time that I've cared about, and I've blown it.

I'm no good at this. I have no practice in pacing myself with men.

I did what I thought was fair and I was honest with him, I don't regret that so much as I wish I had found a better way to tell him or that I had waited for a better moment.

Think good thoughts for me. Better yet, send energy for what is the best outcome.

Can anyone tell me why some people are so petty? I understand that people are unhappy and they feel the need to spread it around, but why do they pick on someone so kind? Someone so forgiving and funny and great.

I feel sorry for them because they can't see what they're missing, they aren't giving a chance to know someone worth knowing.

I'm done.

It's another day and I'm still here. I've been trying to think of an idea for a new short story and I'm coming up dry. Writer's block I've had before, but I've never lacked for ideas. I don't want to continue past triumphs, I want to do something from scratch.

Rick says that I should take things from my life, he was talking about comedy sketches but I think it still applies.

I'm so bored with my life I don't want to write about it, too. I want to write something that will take me out of my life, but I don't know what.

If any of you have any ideas please slap in a comment.

I'm feeling nervous. I'm not sure why. I've been shaky for since I started the new meds but now I feel like I should be shaking.

I wonder what this is all about. Maybe I should have something to eat and see if it goes away. There isn't much I can do until I find out from where this is coming.

I have a cold.

Why oh why now? Haven't I suffered enough!?

I just felt like bitching. Go back to what you were doing.

My shrink wrote a note for me to take to my work mediation. When he gave it to me, I didn't look at it. When I did, almost a week later, I realized that I couldn't read all of his writing; of course that is of no surprise.

Basicly, I asked for a note that would say that apathy could be one of the side effects of the antidepressents I'm taking.

What it looks like is "Apathy & levation maybe a side effect of ... medication."

So, I can fly but I don't care.

Cobb's closed last night (rather this morning) and it was a weird time. After the show I moved around the room looking at the club from all angles. I couldn't feel anything. I think it was too big. I got small waves of sadness but nothing big.

Thirteen years I've been going to that club, I've made friendships there that are beyond what I thought I was capable of. When I started going there I was pretherapy, preantidepressents, preself-worth. That club was a huge part of who I've become. I was more welcomed there than I am was anywhere. It was the one of the first places that I could really call my own.

I know the club will be opening in a few months in a new location but the old club is dear to me.

I expected to be in tears the whole night, but I was fine until we were leaving. The marquee was empty. I managed to make it across the street and turn back. It was after 3am and the lights in the Cannery courtyard were off. It was dark and dead with a sign offering no future.

The tears that came weren't the torrent that I expected but it was the beginning of grieving. Tara put her arm around me started crying too. As we walked toward the car Brian put his arm around me.

Cobb's Comedy Club in the Cannery was a bonding place, laughter, friendship, growth, and acceptance. No matter how wonderful the new new club will be, or how many good times are in the future, all the energy from past shows will stay at the Cannery like happy ghosts giggling in the shadows.

I wrote an entry 12 hours ago which Blogger decided wasn't good enough to post, or even keep. It didn't say much but now it's gone.

The new antidepressents are making me think that this is a life lesson. There are no guarantees, it's all in motion, it's all on a swinging tightrope and we're too high for a net to be of any help. All the pretty words, all the good intentions, all the love in the end, they are all gone.

And yet I remember I wrote a post, I remember it was at 1am, I remember that. Can that count for more than I think? I hope so.

We are all memories.

Last night at Cobb's I was taken good care of by Diane, Tara, and Brian. I was very shaky and restless. I had only eaten a piece of toast, so I'm sure that didn't help. Brian got me some water and a cracker and a piece of bread. Di and Tarry went to Starbucks and brought back shortbread cookies. When it was realized that I wasn't going to stay, Brian offered to give me a ride home. So I stayed. I couldn't stay in my seat so I was up and down throughout the show.

Blaine Capatch was there and he is always very warm towards me. I had taken pictures of his first appearance on the Alex Bennett show and given him copies and he never forgot it. I think that's sweet.

Patton Oswalt was very funny. Duh. And quite nice when it came to standing around taking pictures.

Cole Stratton was there, he was tired from a long shoot for a Intel Commercial but was still as delightful as ever.

I'm going to miss Cobb's for the time they are closed. I hope it doesn't take too long for them to reopen.

I've started taking Welbutrin, and I'm cutting back on the Celexa. I'm also taking Omega 3 Fish Oil and magnesium. Here's hoping that this mix will finally make me feel and act like a person again.

So, what's new with you?

Today at 4:30pm, EST, Theanna and Darrell got married.

I'm sad that I couldn't have been there. I like to be at all of T's weddings.

And, yes, I would feel better if I knew Darrell, at all. I've talked to him on the phone a couple of times and traded a couple of emails but I haven't been close enough to feel his energy.

As always, I want whatever will make Theanna happy.

ARG!

I've just found out that someone used my debit card to buy gas and whatnot at a Shell Station in Oakland. $114.75 worth of whatnot. AND it's going to take up to 3 months to credit my account.

I need to find work.

On the other hand, I had fun last night at Cobb's. Diane, Tara, and I hung out after the show and chatted with Kevin Avery, Brian Mallow, Ben, Jen, Larry, and others whose names I don't know. At one point Brian tried to leave, I went after him. We wrassled and stuggled as I pulled him back into the club. And yes there were pictures taken. I was laughing so hard and working so hard to get Mallow back inside that I was having problems breathing. It was so worth it.

Every so often for the rest of the night, Brian would sneak towards the door and I would take off after him. Once he ran out into the courtyard and up the stairs just as a couple were coming down the stairs. I was standing at the base of the stairs, because I'm not running up stairs, and I said to the couple, "Never chase a commedian; they're faster than they look."

Brian told me later that there was one point where we were tussling that his feet did that thing that you see in cartoons, where they slide on the floor as you are trying to gain purchase. Somehow he didn't fall.

Good times. Good times.

Tomorrow is Theanna's first born's birthday. He's going to be 14. Where has the time gone? I can remember teaching Jeron to blow raspberries while he lay in his playpen. And after his heart surgery, at six months old, singing to him and dancing with him because the drugs were making him cranky. He spoke way before he was supposed to; at 4 months he was saying I love you, Rynn, Goo (this is what he called his birth father) and other things that I can't remember now. He would say them fast so enless you knew what he was saying you couldn't understand him.

At one point I wasn't paying attention, and had to be told that he had called to me a few times. I said, "I'm sorry, Jeron, what?" "Alvoo," he said back. "I love you, too, Jeron," I told him. He laughed and kicked his feet.

Happy birthday, Jeron, you are unique and amazing and have been all of your life.

It's official, I'm having some kind of break down.

I'm bleaching my hair. I'm going to be a dirty blonde. I was already dirty now I get to be blonde!

OH!

Tomorrow is Tara Lee Day in San Francisco!

Be sure to look for the floats and streamers!

(Floats and streamers, airport shuttle and phone calls, whatever.)

I'm worried about Emo Phillips.

I went to his show last night and had some interaction but he had no energy. I don't mean that he was listless he had no essence. I'm sensitive to people's moods, and Emo had nothing. He hugged me at one point and it was like having my arms wrapped around an inanimate object.

He puts on a good show, on and off stage, but there is something going on that he needs to address.

I hope he finds his way to help. He's a nice man, who seems to like his fans, I don't know him personally so I can't say that he's nice to his mailman but he's been kind and welcoming to me.

Poor Emo.

Sunday night, again, most of the people I invited came to the show. All I asked was that they give me a simple phone call and let me know that they we're coming. Diane was there, so it was a good night.

I spent most of the day with Rick. We went to see The Core and then met up with Dana and Sarah at Mel's. From there we went to another theater and met up with Diane to see Spirited Away. After that we went to eat at a place on the Wharf and then to Cobb's for Rick's show.

Awesome day.

Yesterday, I laid around, took a nice long nap, and relaxed. It's amazing how tired I still am. I can't wait for my doctor's appointment so I can know what's going on. I'm not that old, I shouldn't be so worn out after a couple of movies and other sitting around activities.