More things I'm thinking about:

Who invented liquid soap and why?

(10 points if you can tell me what movie that came from.)

Things I'm thinking about:

Will I ever let go of this feeling that love can be a gain of power and not a loss of power? Is there anyone who will care about me enough to let me take the time I need to learn that? Or will I always be alone? The crazy cat lady that kids throw rocks at?

Where can I send my short stories? Who will read them and want to publish them? I know they are good, I read them over and over and am happy with them, but am I and my friends the only ones?

I want to make a movie. I have a video camera, I have some small ideas that could grow into a full script but is it strange to want to do that? Is it another symtom of being on my own too much with no one but the voices in my head?

Well? Is it? Are they? Will I?

Under the heading "Things you don't need to know"

I have had to demote my lucky underwear, they just weren't taking the title seriously anymore. From this time forward, they will be known as just underwear, unless they continue this down hill slide in which case they will be known as the dust rag previously known as underwear.

It's been a very long, low week. I've had to justify myself waaaay too much, all while feeling that I'd just like to lay down till it all went away. I haven't liked myself in a way that I haven't felt since the first of the year, before the antidepressants. It could be that my birthday just past, it could be that the antidepressants aren't working anymore, it could be that this is the life I chose to live before I was born.

I don't know, and I'm too tired to figure it out.

Didn't sleep well last night, ear ache and twitchiness kept me up and watching tv till after 2am, then I was up at 9:30am. That sounds like a full night's sleep, but it was not a straight through thing. I was awake and sleep all night.

Is it wrong to expect more and better? Is it silly to expect someone to look at the whole picture before deciding that they are being attacked? Wouldn't it be easier if I just went away where I wouldn't have to deal with it again, and again, and again. Isn't an opinion something that everyone should be allowed to have? Doesn't a feeling of guilt mean that someone has done something that they did wrong and should be ashamed of? Am I worrying the same scab that I should just let heal into a pale scar?

I don't know. I'm tired.

Long story short: to get my script for Celexa I had to go through over an hour and a half of talk therapy on Wednesday. The therapist said that because of my issues of self worth I should make a list of 12 things that I like about myself. I came up with 8.

1. My sense of humour.
2. I follow my sense of justice.
3. I'm kind.
4. I'm a talented writer.
5. I'm loyal.
6. I'm able to speak my mind.
7. Without hurting anyone's feelings.
8. I'm intuitive.

I can't think of anything else.

Also, I added comments to my blog and no one has commented. Except me. To make sure that it worked.

Should this worry me?

Some of my friends have compiled lists of 100 things about themselves.

I don't think I have a hundred things about myself.

Or maybe I do. I'll have to think about this for a while before I can come up with that many.

What do you do when you hate your job?

In a perfect world, you quit and the job of your dreams is just waiting for you. You not only excel at this new job but it makes you feel as if you are doing something in the world that makes a difference.

I don't live in a perfect world, I hate my job, but if I were to quit it, I would have to get another one just like it because I'm not trained for much else. I would lose more than I would gain, but still the option is there. The door that holds the tiger.

At least it would be something different.

I suppose it's time to make a list of pros and cons and a list of things that I would be willing to do.

My new manta; With change comes growth.

It occured to me today that I have spent most of my life feeling dirty and unworthy. This is because of a combination of being sexually abused as a child and the way I was treated by the one who clamed to love me best. Being told again and again that no one would love me but my grandmother made me feel as if I was unworthy of being loved and she was doing me a favor by loving me. Of course the sexual abuse set that feeling in concrete. My only use was to be the opportunity when no other opportunity presented itself.

Can you tell that I've not taken my antidepressants in a couple of days?

41 years.

14,975 days.

898,500 hours.

53,910,000 minutes.

3,234,600,000 seconds.

Fucking old.

On a high note, a friend of mine is trying to have a baby. She had her tubes tied 8 years and now she and her husband want to have a baby together. They are doing the hormone thing and my friend is feeling sick and cranky. They will try in again in two weeks and they will know two weeks after that if it took. Send them good energy, or if you are so inclined, pray for them.

Thanks for your time.

Still fucking old.

From Emode.com True Talent Test:

Rynn, your true talent is numerical ability

Whether you like numbers or not, you're much better with them than others. Your results indicate that you're not only good at calculations, but that you also understand how to use numbers to your advantage.

People like you typically manage their personal finances with ease. It's doubtful that balancing your checkbook is an all-day affair like it can be for some people. In the work world, your numeric skill can be a benefit in a variety of ways, as well. You might find that you're a whiz at data analysis or are especially sharp when looking at budgets and profit-and-loss statements. Because so many other people have trouble understanding numbers and figures, you really have an opportunity to shine and use this talent to your advantage.

How do we know that your true talent is numerical ability? While you were taking the test, we calculated your responses to each test question, and noticed that, relative to others, you consistently answered questions that measure numerical ability correctly.

They are so full of shit.