Melonie is sick

Hey all, I'm taking Mel the computer in to the shop tomorrow and I have no idea how long I'll be without internet so comment to your hearts' delights. I'll get back to you when I can.

It's the Birthday Ennui

Right on schedule, two weeks to the day before my birthday, and I'm feeling low. I have worked out that it's not getting older, everyone gets older and I don't really feel it anyway, I start to feel invisible around this time of year. I'm sure it has a lot to do with having birthday parties when I was a teenager that no one attended. I feel not worth remembering. It's an ache in my chest and stomach of loneliness.

With all the work I've done this year on being empowered and it falls to dust on August 22nd. It'll be back, my strength of self, on September 5th. At least it always has in the past.

Grr.

Owies

I've threatened to do this and now I have - here and here are the pictures of my sprained ankles.

They still hurt a little but I can put on shoes and walk awhile if I need to.

A Just 'Cos Post

I look at my feet and wonder whose feet I got; my mom’s or my dad’s. I never knew my father and my mother died when I was 16 and I don’t really remember her feet. I have a very clear memory of her fingernails – I tried to bite them once in church. My nails were bitten down to the quick and I was bored. I looked at her hand a long time before I reached over and held it. I interlaced our fingers and looked at her nails some more. They were long enough that I could put my tongue under them, you know, if I wanted to. I realized I did. I wanted to put my tongue under one of the nails and then I wanted to chew it off.

I slumped down to try to get closer to her hand. I considered bringing it quickly to my mouth and taking as fast a bite as I could but I really wanted to slowly gnaw it off. I could already feel it in my mouth. I’d play with the detached nail with my teeth and tongue. I couldn’t wait any more. I twisted my head down looking up at the priest and brought our hands up to my face.

I didn’t even get the nail completely between my teeth before she pulled her hand away. She gave me a dirty look. I’d seen that look before; it was the “you did something seemingly sweet to get something self serving and weird” look.

So do I have my father’s feet? I never met the man so I don’t know his face little alone what he jammed into his shoes. I think my mother’s toes were thinner. So maybe I got these fat toe pads from dear old dad.

My grandmother claimed that I must have gotten my temper from my father because no one in her family acted like that. I think just having emotions was beyond my grandmother’s family. Her mother, my great-grand mother, was a look of reproach. I used to think it was something I had done that I couldn’t remember or that it was because I was born without the appearance marriage. Then there was a moment that I realized that it wasn’t because my birth had brought embarrassment upon our family or as an infant I had knocked a beloved heirloom into the fire with pudgy flailing arms, it was that I had been born without a penis. I was useless because I was a girl.

It still seems strange to me to hate something about a person that they were born with. I was an in-y instead of an out-y so I was to be condemned. She had promised her daughter, my grandmother, her car when she died, but several years before she died she had my grandmother sign over the car to my grandmother’s brother. She left nothing to her daughter except a feeling of unworthiness and confusion.

We even called her Nana Carleton, (Carleton was her last name) as if she was too good to be called something more endearing. Grammy or the like would not hold the respect that she felt she should have. I’m happy to report that as I got older I took no shit from the old bitch. If she asked in a “tone” if that was what I was going to wear, I would say, “Yes, it is; what’s wrong with it?” If she were going to insult me, she would do it in a straightforward way and to my face. I was stronger than her, I didn’t back down to her, I could see her as the fool that she was.

God, I hope I don’t have her feet.

An Entry Because I'm Pleased with Myself

I was just talking to Joe and how things are going for him in L.A. and his plans for getting deeper into show biz. He has some good ideas (that are not mine to share) and some meetings to tell them to money people.

As we're talking Joe is leaving his place, mailing letters, and finally getting on his bike and riding. I thought it was time to get off the phone and let him concentrate on his ride and told him so. He said that my timing was perfect because he was about to go into a park and up into the hills.

"Okay," I said, "Don't get eaten by a cougar, because no one is going to hire you if you're in the intestinal tract of a cougar."

Heeheehee. Me funny.

The fall, revisited

I feel as though I blamed Froggy too quickly in causing or being a factor in the tumble I took a week ago.

What I believe now is that it was my fault for wearing jeans that were too long. I think that I stepped on my right pant leg with my left foot, then when I went to step down the cement step just before you get to my door there wasn't enough give for my right foot to reach the ground. Gravity being a constant, I was thrown off balance and landed on the side of my right foot with my full weight. (Over 200 pounds, people; I'm lucky that I didn't break the damn thing!) I pitched forward, scraping the top of my left foot on the edge of the step and landed sitting on top of it. I guess it was more or less at this point that I sprained my left foot.

Oh, and I was wearing flip-flops - white trash takes a spill!

I'm pleased to report that the swelling has gone down a lot, the bruises are still there but fading, and although there is still some pain, its not so bad that I have to take anything for it.

I almost wish that someone had been here so they could tell me if this is what happened, but on the other hand, I would have to kill all witnesses....

PS I've taken pictures of my poor injured feet this last week, I'll try to post them within the next few days for those of you who like to wince.

I did something stupid

I've been spending the last few days with my feet up and ice bags on my ankles, which has afforded me the opportunity to be on line for nearly every minute of everyday. Now, I've not run out of things to do computer-wise (there's some sites I've not even heard of yet to visit) but since I keep checking the same daily sites over and over again with no updates my mind has had time to wonder.

I've bored my brain into doing something I promised myself that I wouldn't do because it could only end in my feelings being hurt.

Years ago, when the X-Files were all kinds of popular, I met and became (what I thought was) friends with an actor who appeared on the show a couple of times. In fact he appeared on all of Chris Carters series, still, I'd rather not use his name. I got him a free hotel room by saying he was my cousin, I got his mum and her friend a discounted room as well. Long story short, he was smitten with my friend, Claire, it didn't work out and he dumped us both. He said that we had never been friends.

He's got a website. With an email address for him. I sent him an email asking about his mum. I was friends with her after he and I stopped being...not friends. Whatever.

I sent it a couple of hours ago and now I'm feel slightly icky about it. I don't know what to wish for; no reply, a polite answer, I know I don't want the forced polite dismissal. I am my own worst enemy.

Dumb, dumb, dumb.

I would like to clear something up...

I am not a superhero.

Thank you for your time.

Ankling Toward Painville

I can move my toes better today and I can bend and point from the ankle however standing and walking hurt.

I move like Fred Sanford. Or a really hungry zombie. I can only imagine how going up and down hills are going to hurt. I've only got 4 more sessions with Chrissa and I want to go to all of them, but if I can't walk down to the bus stop and up the hill to her office I'm not going to be able to go on Tuesday. I'll have to see if I can go when I can afford a taxi.

Plus I have my second driving lesson on Saturday. But perhaps I'm looking too far into the future, the swelling and pain should be gone by then.

Panicking over nothing again, this has been Rynn.

I fell

I was walking down from the sidewalk, Froggy squeaking and rolling around in front of me, I didn't stop to rub is tummy as I usually do, I walked past him. Just as I was stepping down the one step before you get to my door, Froggy ran past and I don't know if I did that cat owner instinct thing that tells us, under no circumstances do you step on the cat, or if I was distracted from him flying past but I fell. I twisted one foot then the other - I couldn't tell you how - but now I've got scuff marks on my left foot and weird swellings on both. My ankles hurt like mutherfuckers.

I sat on the ground for a couple of seconds and thought, "Please don't let anything be broken."

I just talked to Joe and he thinks I should call an ambulance, bless his heart. I can't call for help because I fall down, go boom. I have weak ankles always have. I had sprained my ankles all throughout my childhood, especially when ice skating.

I took a pain reliever but I think I need another, it's been an hour and I still hurt. I might take a nap too.

No, you can't be me, don't even ask.

Our long personal nightmare is over...

Well, okay, Joe's long personal nightmare is over. He, Sam and Seven made it to LA fine. Although this is no thanks to U-Haul whose people could care less if moving is already stressful and decided to fuck them by renting them a truck that was smaller than the one they reserved and it didn't have A.C.. Joe is going to kick some U-Haul ass as soon as they are settled.

I'm looking forward to seeing pictures of their place. I'm looking further forward to being invited to see it in person.

I'm feeling better today, I finally took a shower last night and changed the sheets so I feel better physically which I think is helping with feeling better mentally. I'm still feeling lonely, but I'm not paralyzed by it like I was.