Email Is the New Talking

Early this morning T sent me an email within which she basically called me a liar. I'm fighting now to not point out something that makes this allegation ironic.

Also in said email, she tells me that she had planned on a certain date for me to move because of reasons she had worked out. Yet, last night she told me that she had told me beginning of July and I had put in my blog the middle of July. I don't think anything was planned. I believe that she wants me gone, I even believe that it might have crossed her mind that she wanted her space back before it got too hot, but I do not believe that she had a date in mind.

But what I believe doesn't matter, never mattered, and will continue to be dismissed as something that isn't her problem.

You Know Who You Are

You said you didn't read my blog, was that your attempt of a trick? To get me to write things so you could "spy"?

I write how I write and how I feel, you reading it doesn't change anything.

If you don't like what's written here, don't read it.

I'm Awake Now

I get up from a nap and T is in the bathroom, she says something about she feels better now that the light is at the end of the tunnel, that no offense to me but she can't wait for people to start leaving. Or words to that effect. I say, Melissa will probably get a place before I do because she is on the Section 8 list before me. Then T says something about me leaving by July. This is the first time that July has been mentioned, I say, "What do you mean July?" she tells me that I knew about it and its on my blog. I come here and read the entry about the conversation that we had about me leaving and there is nothing in there about July. I did a search on the word July, and it took me to entries from last July, but nowhere else.

(Something else she said today was that she told me to sign up for Section 8 sooner but I didn't for some reason, and she wasn't sure what those reasons were but that wasn't her problem. )

I do several searches on line about apartments in the area then come out and tell her, that I can't find were I wrote anything about July. Then she says that she told me July, which she didn't. She might have thought it, she might have even told someone else that she wanted me out by July but I was not told that. If July had been mentioned, then I would have written it here. If you look at past entries, especially the one were D tells me I have to be out by June, I'm specific in what happened.

It's aways the fucking way; I have a good day, feel a little good about things and then someone has to ruin it.

I've marked some ads in the paper that I'll call on Monday, even so, I can't depend on anyone to take me to look at the places especially now that there's only one car. But I suppose that that isn't anyone else's problem either.

When I first moved in here I was told that they didn't mind taking me to pick up my meds or taking me to doctor's appointments but all that went away. I almost have to badger them, which I hate, to get meds that I have run out of. I don't like to feel like I'm putting anyone out, I try to think of ways to fit my errands in with someone else's so it isn't out of any one's way.

I'm sure they see if differently, but here I am feeling unloved and tricked again.

Nothing

I have nothing to write about except that it's 1:35 in the a of m and I'm sleepy.

Slow news day.

Help

In the comment space, please leave me ideas for stories. I'm dying to write but I have no ideas. A person, a place, and/or situation anything you've got.

Thanks.

Links

I've weeded out the links to blogs that haven't been updated in ages and I've updated links to reflect the newish URLs of people who already were listed.

I've broken out of my depression a bit thanks to Brian Regan. His hour long special on Comedy Central last night made me laugh good and hard. If you get a chance, watch it. It'll make you laugh until you almost throw up. Almost.

I've started walking; Friday I walked almost 2 miles and yesterday I walked over 2 and a half miles. Pretty soon you won't know where the hell I am. (Rim shot.) When I woke up this morning my ribs hurt. Can your ribs get sore from walking? Because that's all the exercise I've done. I planned to start doing crunches but I think I'll put it off until I can figure out why I hurt in an unlikely area.

So that's it for this post; links changed or removed, Brian Regan made me laugh, and won't know where the hell I am.

A Post

I don't know why I'm posting I have nothing to post about. It's the same kinda shit different day.

I never should have come here. I should have figured out a way to stay in California. I'm so unhappy here. I took a walk the other day, two miles, and as I was walking a thought popped into my head: I don't care if I disappear. Usually when random thoughts like that come to me they frighten me, or confuse me, or make me push back in some way. Not this time. I really don't care.

I want to be out of the way, this seems to be the way most people like me, as long as they have control over the interactions they have with me, (ignore phone messages, forget special dates, keep me at arm's length) the better they like me.

I want to go home. It wasn't perfect there, but at least I had friends who wanted to see me, to hang out, go to a movie, and the like. I'm dizzy with need to be in my City.

(This is in no way directed at eva8 who is a good person and an even better friend.)

This Is My 600th Blog Post

I don't know why I feel like this is a celebration, I know there are people who have not been posting as long as I have who have posted more often but it's an even number so I call attention to it.

It's another day of feeling displaced and forgotten, at least I have a therapist intake appointment on the 19th. I hope I can get into regular therapy quickly, I so need to feel better about my life and prospects. I need to find my muse again, I can't remember the last time I have a new idea for a story. I want to get Ambassador, Earth in better shape so I can send it out. I should invest in a new Writer's Market book, but I'll wait until I have something to send out before I do that.

I need to move out of here, I hate having to put my name on everything that's mine or people will use it.

I drove yesterday - it was from West Gardiner to here, so it wasn't much but I think I'm getting more confident. I wish gas wasn't so expensive, as it is I feel like I need to wait until I have some money to pay for gas. Although, I don't think I've ever gone anywhere for my benefit, its always when someone needs to be picked up or taken somewhere. Maybe when I have money, I can pay for gas to go out for a drive.

It's all about the wait and see.

Rain

It's been raining and grey for the last few days and I'm over it. I am in the dumps anyway so this weather doesn't help. I need to get into some therapy, and check my meds, I ache all the time. I can't remember what it feels like to be happy. Heart ache and dizziness all the time. I'm good at appearing okay while feeling rotten, I can laugh without it touching my soul and appear self confident while feeling as small and disgusting as a bug. I don't have the energy to cry.

Welcome June 2007.

Oh, I haven't mentioned it here but Manny, the sweetest cat with the beautiful green eyes, got out and hasn't been seen in over a week.