a little laugh

The Biggest Blah of All

I am in a very bad place. My stomach feels like its full of molten bile; I've screwed up so badly that I don't know where to turn.

Last month, my birthday month, I decided that I deserved extra fun so I took a small direct deposit advance. I thought if I charged over what I had in my account if I took a little more from direct deposit advance before the end of the day that I wouldn't be charged an over draft fee. I was wrong. I was over drawn when I received my direct deposit this month and was not offered the direct deposit advance. I don't have it in me to go into all of the details, I'm humiliated enough. The end result is that my rent check bounced, the payment to the storage unit was returned, and I just received a disconnection notice from the electric company (not the kid's show, the mean one) I'm running out of my meds, I have no cash, I'm overdrawn again and if it weren't for finally getting the money I was owed from T.D. I wouldn't have any food at all.

I know I brought it on myself, I know that there's no one to help me, I don't have anything to sell except the coins I've collected over the years and I can't get to a place where I can sell them.

I'm trapped. I want to climb into the back of the closet and curl up in the dark. And on top of it all I owe friends money. I'm in a hole and I can't get out, depression is pushing down on me. I'm so embarrassed to be in this place of worthlessness, but I have to tell someone and I don't think people come here often so maybe by the time it's read, it will be over.

The Reign of Blah

I'm so sad right now. I don't know why. Sure I don't have money for my meds, but that's not it. I do feel a migraine coming on so that could be it. Usually before a migraine I feel really good; happy, at peace at where I am in the world. Sometimes I feel tall before a really bad one. I haven't had that yet so that's good. Of course I've been sitting down for the last few hours, so when I get up I could feel tall.

I have an aching sadness in my chest, there's a pixie with a pick axe in my skull and I hate where I am right now.

Blah

I'm not having a good day.

I'm tired, bored, sore from walking, and lonely. And I'm feeling avoidy which makes no sense; lonely and avoidy?

The trees outside my living room window are bright yellow with orange tips, too bright to open the curtains. Pretty but a reminder that winter is coming.

If I had a car I'd go somewhere today, but as it is, I will probably spend the day inside, curtains drawn, TV for company, just waiting for something to happen.

How Am I?

Sleepy. Very sleepy. Got to get up way early tomorrow and am afraid that I won't get much sleep tonight so I'm being what I suppose you would call "forward tired." It would be nice to just fall into bed and drop right off.

I really don't see that happening.

It will be nice to have some face time with Theanna, I saw her for the first time in ages the other day but that was just for a few minutes. I know I should take something to keep me occupied while she's working but I'm not sure what that should be; I'm out of new books to read, I could take Melanie and do some writing. Maybe I'll bring my Doctor Who discs to watch. Nah, I just finished watching them, I need to give it some time so I don't anticipate every line. I haven't finished watching Torchwood, I guess I could take that with me.

Or I could leave Melanie home and take some paper with me instead.

Or beading stuff. I don't know.

::yAWn:: I think I could go to sleep. But first I'll update my iPod...