I Can Live With This...

I am: Kurt Vonnegut For years, this unique creator of absurd and haunting tales denied that he had anything to do with science fiction.

Which science fiction writer are you?

First Depression on the Year

How does it always work out that I'm the bad guy? I have tried to stay with the grateful list, but this morning I got nothin'. I get up to pee, content and happy that the headache from the night before, on the way back to my room I sit down to snuggle with the dogs a bit. Before I can get some good puppy lovin's D. gives me a list of things that I have done WRONG. Not wrong, but WRONG.

I threw something at Melissa.
I said that he couldn't do something right.
I owed them money.

I didn't throw anything at Melissa - who btw is a grown woman and is capable to come to me and voice her concerns - I was upset because I was setting up the TV and computer so T. could watch a show I had .avi files of on disc and couldn't find the disc after having the whole thing set up. I had a stress headache and was on the verge of tears when she came up and started teasing me. I ignored her until she said, "I bet you'd like to hit me," at which time I swatted her on the upper arm with a light weight plastic disc holder. It wasn't a full hit although it did make a loud noise because it wasn't closed tight.

He moved the computer from the back room into I.'s room and didn't hook it up correctly. It took me another hour to make the wireless work. So in point of fact, he didn't do it right. I guess I wasn't supposed to tell him I'd fixed it.

I do owe them money which I have already told T. that I would give them next month but since T. and D. do not communicate, he didn't know about it.

I came into my room and cried. Do I get any kind of credit for cooking? For helping move things when they want them moved? For helping put things together? Picking up and orginizing?

No, I'm kept out of the information loop (Melissa and her son are moving into the big back room which is why the computer was being moved) and treated like a child being called into daddy's den for a stern talking to.

This is starting to feel like the bullshit that went on at the flat; someone moves in without my consent, doesn't pay anything for food or rent and I'm expected to be okay with the fact that my money is going to pay for that.

I took an anxiety pill this morning just so I won't spend the day laying in bed crying.

Cold Update

Turns out, (with no real surprise) BH is the big fucking liar, choaking down drugs and booze, he's clearly gone insane. I wonder if he's still living off his parents retirement money or if he's found someone else to suck dry. According to his blog he isn't working. I feel bad for his folks, they told him *years* ago that they didn't have much more to spend on him and still be able to retire.

I feel bad that I had to question my friend's loyalty.

Lies

That guy that I contacted on MySpace wasn't happy to hear from me he was also stunned that I would think that we could ever speak again let alone be friends. He claimed that someone who I don't believe has spoken to him in as long as I have told him "half-truths and out right lies" that I had told her about him.

I sent the friend an email and called her, but haven't heard back from her.

Does he think I'm going to take his word? After telling me to fuck off. I read his blog and know that he's drinking again so can Crack be out of the question?

BH=delusional. BH=drug addled brain. Now I wait to hear back from my friend and see what it was (or more likely wasn't) said.

Cold Update part 3

I'm not wheezing, my nose is still stuffy, but I'm starting to feel like a person again.

In other news, I was wondering what happened to an old friend so I did a Google search and found out that he was on MySpace. You can see what's going to happen, can't you. I tried to add him as a friend - he denied me.

It's been about 6 years since I've talked to him, I suppose that was my doing. He is one of those people who never picks up the phone so it was up to me to get in touch with him. There are times when I need to be reassured that I am loved, so I stopped calling him to see how long it would take for him to call me.

As I say, it's been about 6 years.

He didn't call when I was fired by a friend of his family. He didn't email, he didn't send a postcard; he left me hanging. I wasn't surprised. I was hurt.

Today I reached out and had my hand slapped back.

Since I started looking on the positive side I'm not mortified by this "friend" I feel sorry for him. I'm a good person, a great friend - his loss.

Cold Update, part 2

I can take a deep breath. That's something good, right? I'm still wheezing and coughing, but I'm on the mend.

Yay.

Cold Update

It's in my lungs! It's in my lungs!

(Wheeze.)

It Must Be Winter

I've caught the second cold/flu in as many months. This one is mostly in my nose; loads of sneezing and nose suddenly draining when I'm trying to sleep waking me up with the panic of one who fears getting snot on their pillow case. My throat is kinda scratchy but I think that from the frequency of robust sneezing I've been enjoying.

I've postponed getting my I.D., which I was going to do today, because I don't know if I've reached the pinnacle of sickness. I'd rather be in bed when that happens and not in line at the DMV. I'm sure that the other people who would be in line at the DMV appreciate it as well.

I'm still being grateful for the things that I have and that are available to me. For instance, I have a roof over my head, a bed to lay in until I'm get well, a washer/dryer at my disposal to clean my sheets and jammies, a heating mattress pad to fight away the chills as well as cats to snuggle with until I'm feeling better.

I'm thinking of writing a couple of lists; one of things for which I'm grateful; and one of things I want to achieve. I think these lists will give me focal points to remember until the blessings and wishes are naturally in my head.

Happy New Year

My new outlook is going well; I wake up each morning and think of the things that I am grateful for. I've slowed down the negative thoughts; when one comes into my head I switch it around so it becomes a positive. I've felt better than I have in awhile.

Joe's still not speaking to me and has yet to send me the $20 he owes me but I'm strangely okay with it. I can see now that I was over estimating his ability to be an adult. He's still a child with his need to have everything his way RIGHT NOW. I can do without the stress. If we were to be friends again it would be different, at least for me. He might not notice the difference but my attitude towards it would be one of understand of the boundaries that he puts in place. I see the relationship from a distance and that gives me prospective.

I spoke to Tavie last night, I hope to see her and my Goils soon.

Also today is Brian Malow's birthday. Happy Birthday, Brian!