Yesterday

I spent almost all day yesterday in bed. Sleeping. I think it's depression and denial.

Joe is moving to LA today and I don't want to think about it. I know that I have friends who are further away and I still love and cherish them as if they were next door, but I will miss the casual hanging out. It does mean that I have more reason to visit down south. He says that he'll be up here a lot and we can hang out like we always did, and that we have spent most of our contact lately either on line or on the phone. These are truths, but it doesn't do anything to calm my abandonment alarm.

It's not that I don't trust his word it's that I still - *STILL* - after all the meds and the therapy and the loyality of truly amazing people, don't believe that I'm worth the effort.

It won't do any good to tell me that I'm wrong and to cut it out. This is something that was hard wired into my system when my mother chose a man and his family over me and then died without ever proving me wrong. It's part of the process for me to feel left behind and over time I'll see that I've not been forgotten and relax.

Of course, this isn't always the case. I've been forgotten. I've misplaced a lot of friends over the years, left some and been left by some. I like to think that I kept (and was kept by) the best of the bunch, but I'm sure there are some who would say differently.

So today is the beginning of the latest trial. It will be awhile before I can collate any data, but the lab rats are looking hopeful. I'll take this as a good omen.