Fair Warning

I like coming here and being able to write how I feel, it's good to have a place where I can say what I think without editing.

However...

I've recently become aware that there are people who read this blog about whom I have written negative things. I try very hard not to let that influence me. I don't want to say something harsh because I know they are reading it, neither do I want to sugar coat the way I see.

It takes twice as long to write a post because I'm always checking with myself to make sure what I'm writing is what I mean. I do this anyway on a subconscious level but to bring it to the front of my brain is like having an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other.

"Oh dear, I shouldn't write that, why that might hurt BLANK's feelings."

"Who cares about BLANK's feeling, he/she is an unthinking jerk - let's tear him/her a new one!"

I sit between them wonder how I really feel. I have pulled punches and I have sucker punched and I hate doing either. Here's the thing, I'm going to get some angel repellent and write what I think and feel. If anyone doesn't like that, then don't come here anymore.

Crush

I have had a crush on someone for 25 years.

From the first time I saw her until this moment as I watch her work. I know it would never work out, I'm straight, she's gay; how would we raise the pets? I love her, I want to spend time with her, I want to make her laugh. I'm not a stalker, among other reasons, I have too much respect for her to do that.

The she of whom I speak is Ellen Degeneres. Everyone who knows me knows that I adore her; she is the comedienne I want to be; since her talk show started I've been able to see what a giving and loving person she is - I can only hope to be as giving and loving.

I thought it was time to tell the world.

Favorite Picture of Myself

Eva8 took this picture last month when we were walking in the woods.

I don't think I've ever taken a better picture.

Useless

I've been feeling worthless the last couple of days. I've been broke and have had to ask to borrow money to get the Zoloft that keeps me from crumbling completely. I had to borrow more to keep the stuff I have in a storage unit in Berkeley from being sold for non-payment. Now I can't bring myself to ask for anything else. Last night we had food with corn kernels in it and so I had toast for supper. I wanted to ask for something else but I just didn't feel like I could. D. offered to cook me a pork chop but that's what we're having tonight so that didn't seem like something I should do.

I feel so trapped within my head, I need a therapist, I know if I could talk to someone I would feel better.

Wicked

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