I've resigned myself to it, going to the birth state, but the closer it gets to the date, the sadder I feel.
I looked out at the moon tonight on the BART train home, it is full and bright, and it hit me that this would be the last full moon I would see from this coast, this year. I tried not to cry; I don't want to be the woman who weeps on mass transit. It hurts. It hurts like depression hurts; that dull, constant pain, like heartbreak but with more staying power. I'm looking forward to seeing my friends and most of my family, I want to put flowers on my mom's grave, as well as Nana's and Theanna's mom's, these are all good things but knowing that I don't have a home to come back to... I feel abandoned, I feel like the monster from any old monster movie that has
villagers with torches, I feel let down, beat down, and run out of town.
I miss San Francisco here in Concord, I know it will be worse for me in Maine. I don't want to have to try and put on a happy face and in the same thought I don't want to let anyone down. I will probably have to spend the first couple of days in bed, I
know Jim will feel responsible for how I feel. I can't let the guilt in, I can't let his passive aggressive ways make me stomp down how I feel.
Is it over yet? Can I open my eyes?
This bad dream goes on and on.
Everything looks the same,
But different; aggressive.
It wants to hold me down,
It wants to peg me to the earth,
Like a tent; there to serve, and ignore the wind
That pulls and tugs at its fabric.
I'm not a tent, I'm a kite
I slip through the wind;
I am free to feel what I feel
To think what I think
And not be forced down
By anyone.
