Urg

I was born sometime between 11 and 11:30 am E.D.T. which means in less than a day I will be 45.

My mother died at 46 years, 9 months, and 15 days. Her father died when she was 15. I feel like someone on death row. (The part of the prison system, not the record label.) I know there's no reason to feel this way but I do. My grandmother lived into her 90's, her mother lived until she was 104. I don't know which is worse; dying young or outliving your worth.

So, 45. I still feel like I'm in my twenties most days. If asked quickly, "How old are you?" I'm likely to answer "26!" before realizing I'm not. I'm more playful now then I was in my 20's, more willing to party, more open to other ideas, willing to let others have their beliefs no matter how I feel about it as long as they're happy.

I'll feel better tomorrow but today I'm feeling low and lonely. I miss my west coast friends, I want to go to The Stinking Rose and have a few dollars to go bead shopping at Baubles and Beads or General Bead or both. I want to get hugs and kisses from my west coast friends, I want to go to a comedy show and feel like a fucking princess.

I'll still want these things tomorrow, but I won't be so beat up about it.