Written May 1st, in order to try to understand

I hate this. I thought Lea sounded way to upset just because I left the place a mess.

Dan no longer trusts me and I don’t know what to do about it. He hasn’t known me long enough to know that I would never use a friend that way. I should have gotten a reply before I had the cable turned on, but, I was bored, my credit stinks, and since she had put the phone in her name without issue I just went ahead and had the cable put in her name. I should have asked her to do; if it’s okay, could you have the cable turned on? Instead of hiding the question in the middle of the email and then asking how she liked the way I ask for a favor.

How can one bad decision turn into a fucking shit storm? The way Dan is treating me I wouldn’t be surprised if he wanted me to move out. I’m still a little high and I don’t like the way it feels anymore. I want to be able to focus so I can understand, but I think I already do understand. She hates me and I feel rotten because she must not have gotten the email or she did get the email and is giving me pay back for leaving the place a wreck. I didn’t leave holes in the walls or pull up the carpet, I ran out of time, Joe was pushing me to leave – I told him I wanted to clean the place before we left, but that wasn’t part of Joe’s schedule.

Honestly, that doesn’t sound like Lea. But then I didn’t think she’d team up with Noah to get me out of there, either.

At first I thought it read that all her mail should be sent here. “Why would her mail come here?” I asked.

“That’s a real good question,” Dan replied. He wouldn’t let me take the paper with me to call, so I had to come upstairs, get my phone, and address book and go back downstairs to call them.

I called the number on the copy of the form that had been sent to Dan, but it was after 7 and they had closed for the day. I tried twice just to make sure I understood the hours. Then I called Lea.

“Lea, it’s Rynn. Why did I get something in the mail saying something about forwarding mail to your name under my address?”

“Because you had the cable turned on in my name.”

“What? I emailed you and asked if it would be all right. … Hello?”

She had hung up on me.

I told Dan what happened and he pointed out that it was mail from this address, not to.

Now I know why she sounded so upset when I had called to apologize; she thinks I was scamming her. It really hurts me to think that she couldn’t trust me. After all her kindnesses it hurts to know that she could feel so coldly about me. All she had to do was communicate. And she didn’t. There was that short burst of emailing and commenting, but it was all in good fun. We bantered and it was done. I kept her informed as to what was happening with the apartment search as a friend, not as someone who I owed anything to, as far as I knew we were cool. Then I got that nasty email from Matthew, delivering ultimatums, “no more extensions, you have to be out of there by the 15th” I wondered why he was suddenly emailing me, it kinda pissed me off. I wrote him back and asked why he was writing me and not Lea, and said that Lea was my friend and I wouldn’t do any thing to hurt her. And come hell or high water I would be out of there on the 14th. I think I mentioned that I had rented the truck and had the help of a friend, although I might not have. He never mentioned the cable. Lea never mentioned the cable.

Not a phone call or email from her asking me what was going on with cable (I did receive one from her about the apartment hunt –how’s it going? - I think it read) but an all out paranoid shindig seemed like the right thing to do to her.

Or maybe it’s just easier for her to believe that I would do it, that way, she could institute a clean break from me, that way she wouldn’t have to remember that I’m alive.

I’ll admit to being melodramatic, but it fits the scale as to what I’m feeling. This is bad; this is call the shrink bad, this is make it dark I want to curl up bad.

One phone call from either of us, and all of this would have never happened.

If I felt rotten before I feel worse now. Sad. Angry. Depressed. Incredulous. Repeat.

Where’s Rynn? She’s out playing on the mood swings.

It took almost 3 years for me to believe that I’m a good person and moments to make me know that I’m not a good person.

I overstayed my welcome, I know this, but why did it have to come to this place? This makes me so unsure of everything. It’s kitchen sink time! Get yourself ready, every thing that you like about yourself is a lie – you are not a spiritual soul, you are not a good friend, you are not someone to be trusted, you are not someone who should be comfortable in their skin. Welcome to what I hate.

It’s all dashed, tromped on, and what it was when I was a teenager; that feeling that I deserve no better.